UGGHHH

This post will probaly be really random because I have 1000 thoughts running through my mind. The other day I had a job interview and was excited because for the first time in a year there was a chance I would be working again, due to my epilepsy....I go home tell my mother and she says no that won't work out and gives me all the reasons why and basically lets me know to turn them down if I was to get the job. I mentally begin to break down, because it been almost two months and I've only had one seizure which is great! In my head I'm thinking I can start to live life...but that dream has been shut down. I just go in my room and break down, because I'm back to the realization that I'm stuck in this house once again all day every day with the occasional times I can go to my friends house and watch tv over there. So I decide I need to vent and text a certain person, to sum the convo up he tells me I'm 21 when will I decide to stop living the unhealthy lifestyle of staying in the house all day? stop living off my parents? and become independent? and that overall he's disappointed and has to go! Once again I break down because not only am I not happy with the way things are going but I have someone looking down on me and thinks I'm being lazy and a mooch. That's a hard ass thing to deal with when they know nothing of the situation....its hard as hell to get a job when you can't drive, none of your friends cantake you, and there's no bus. It's hard as hell to stop living off your parents when they feel that's the way you should be and will be living until they feel it's the right time for you to be independent....and it's hard as hell to be independent when you can't even walk up the street by yourself because everyone is scared...so they're sending a "babysitter" with you. I'm 21 and at 18 dreamed that at this age I would be finishing up my 3rd year of an internship but instead I haven't finished up my sophmore year of college yet. I continue to smile because everyday I wake up but my life is not easy for me. I know God works on His own time, it just hurts knowing I may have a while longer before things will start to work themselves out. All I can do is continue to pray and attempt to find success in my situation....I have a feeling that some people might not be able or want to handle my life.....Some things from now on may be better left unsaid :/

Bittersweet

Its funny how she sent me to bed last night crying; over what I don’t exactly know

See me and her have an unusual relationship; you’d think it was abusive seeing she has full control

No matter what, when, where, and how I choose to make my decisions

In the end my input doesn’t really matter

She decides if I’ll have a good night sleep and what or if I will eat

It’s up to her to control what I’ll look like,

Whether I’ll end up blessed on my sweet 16 riding in a car or unlucky pushing a bike

It’s her choice to choose which friends will stay and which ones will decide to walk away

See she decides if that sexy guy notices me of if I’ll be stuck with the bum who can’t afford his upkeep

I know, you wonder why I don’t just leave but it’s not that easy

As many times as she’s made me cry

There’s been equal or more times she caught my tear before they fell from my eyes

The same times I felt she was isolating me from the world she’d remind me she was my backbone and one of the reasons I was still going

She stays attached to my waist, in my heart, and my mind; she’s here with me now her name is LIFE

No need for a formal introduction, you know she can be nasty so just play nice

 

Sometimes I question how I can be so appreciative of something that can be so cruel and cut so deep and the next day fondle my soul and taste so sweet

But hey that’s just one of life’s characteristics that’s why I nicknamed her Bittersweet

I'll be here having lunch/business meeting

Men/Boys Whatever :/

So you know this topic was going to eventually come up.....now don't worry this isn't a vent post lol...nothing has happend. I just find it to be a funny topic..I would say I am a amateur in this field so I get plenty of advice from both genders about a man. Now of course being a girl, you want the fantasy man, he loves everything about you, makes you smile (specially since giggling is basically a for me hobby), motivates you to be a better person, and only wants the best for you. The people around want the same for you, but through what they been telling me he doesn't exist :( they hope I come across him but they doubt it. The friends have hope every guy is that guy, if I show one good text they feel he is that guy, because they do the same with each of their boyfriends. The older women look to me with the most serious look and say no matter what man you get he WILL CHEAT eventually :/ .....wellllll that makes you not want to date at all!?! With that instilled in your head your waiting on that text or phone call saying "What happend was...." The older men say "i was a boy your age i know what he wants....its all a game" ...Well damn, just ruin my fun, now everything I think this guy is saying are saved text messages he sends out to every female because they are sounding good. But you only have one life, and the same way all these people learned through experiences I will have to learn through my own...so I'll continue to listen to this advice just shaking my head not really listening....because I rather experience men for myself to see if I actually come across a cheater, the guy who's all talk no action, the emotionless guy, or will I be lucky and just fall in love. Win or lose it's a story for the future and some type of advice for me to give a young girl in the future

Love and All <3

Naive

I heard one of a kind

Definition of beauty

I saw wedding bells

I knew you had to be setting a date

You had to see a halo around my head clouds around my body as if I ascended from heaven

In my eyes I saw no one else but you…I knew God planned this so when we had our future arguments to me you were the “last man”

Everything about you said forever and a day

And all you said was hi

You see naïve, I felt psychic

I love her tattoos....I will get the tribal band :)

Parents taught me not to be the welcome mat to be the pawn in their game....took me about 20 years to comprehend through experiences :/

I HAVE MEMORIZED THIS POEM AND LOVE IT....BUT CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY I JUST DO<3

I wonder how many would get it if there were no words??

In Due Time

Like roots of a tree my emotions are deeply implanted in my soul

People usually think I’m not much of an attraction but I know I’m like a flower precious and worthwhile

And you saw the rose within me

I thought you felt I was worth the obstacles and trials

Somehow you knew and managed to find the sun inside me

You had me walking with my eyes beaming, spirit blowing, and heart blooming

Condition couldn’t get any better, but nature takes it course

Now I look at you and there’s only silence between us like the calm before the storm

As I wonder how the person who kept me warm when my soul was cold doesn’t give a damn if I wither away

My eyes now like clouds right before the down pour have little strength left

But I won’t give you the satisfaction so I let them move on along with all affection attached to you

Bringing a drought of concern for you (exactly what I needed)

So a new seed of independence, freedom and excitement have rooted in my soul and mind

And it glows through my eyes as I realize you were just passing by

To get me ready for the true ray of sunshine coming in due time

Why the Caged Bird Sings

So I recently I went on a trip and decided I needed a book to keep me busy, and instead of a sex novel ( which I have to admit are the best :p ) I needed something with substance. I needed to broaden my horizons and literature on my shelves. Being in college, I feel it would be wonderful if someone were to ask what's the last book you read, I can name something I'm not embarrassed about. While others are naming famous poets, and authors from 1600's all I can say is Dr. Seuss :/ .....not going to work. So being that I recently took up poetry I decided to try Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings....and I'm so happy I did because I can't put it down. In every chapter there's a line somewhere that makes me smile or bring some type of emotion....the title itself I can relate to....so as of now she is who I will talk about in those infamous tea talks

Love and All <3,

Lil Bitz

P.S. My reason the Caged Bird Sings

I know why the caged bird sings....its her way to pass the time as she waits to be freed....she sings to show her optimism as only in joy can you hold a tune...and she sings because she knows pain is not even having the option to stare at this glistening moon....and she'll continue this hymn cage or none as it as it shows she knows her blessings are soon to come♥

They Say Laughter Makes You Live Longer...Guess I'm Not Going Anywhere 

Flaws and All

I remember being with this person not to long ago, and we were talking and not to far apart...and they asked "why, aren't you looking at me...I'm up here." I couldn't look them in their eyes, the questions were pretty personal, so whenever I answered I would hold my head down or look everywhere but in their eyes. I just couldn't do it...guess it's a self esteem issue as well as fear, when you look at me I'm thinking about what you see, are you seeing the flaws that I see when I look in the mirror. I figure if I don't look at you to long you won't have time to notice. Or if we're farther apart you can't see them. Then they asked "why can't you do it...do you fear rejection," when I think about it I guess that's true too. Not just rejection but if were talking about a topic and I fear the answer your going to give or that you won't like what I'm going to tell you I won't look at you. I hate to hurt anyone's feelings and can't stand the expression on your face if I do. And if you hurt mine in anyway, its just embarrassing so who wants to keep looking lol. Buttttt, being that I'm trying to join the entertainment industry or the corporate world I better get over it, work on it, whatever because it's going to be alot of those days of someone being criticized, embarrassed, or hurt....So I have come to terms that if you don't like what you see oh well! I am who I am and I need to learn to love everything about me....so if I ever meet you and I'm not looking you in your eyes...let me know :)

Butterfly

I smile as the pain remains in the depth of my eyesAs I continue to allow you to think your making me wholeI wonder if my worries and stress are making paths from my brain and laying the foundation to my soulLike a butterfly in its beginning stage, I feel as if I’m on the ground at an all time lowCreeping, crawling, avoiding being smashed because compared to all others I am invisibleLike the worm I know my potentialI know my future holds great thingsLike the butterfly when the time comes I will find myself and develop my own beautiful wingsAt some point in life I will find myself in my own cocoonFiguring out what makes me me, and what is my life’s true tuneAnd when I come out no longer will I be invisible as I explore this great planetSuch as the wondrous butterfly pollinates in some way I will use what I discovered….my talentNo longer will I worry about being invisible as I will be at my highest peak as the butterfly is as he gracefully trails the skyAnd no longer will there be any pain to be discovered in the depths of my eyes

Its true...and when your bra and underwear match they can't tell you nothing :)

Gratitude Towards Epilepsy

So I'm proud to say it's been about six or seven weeks and I haven't experienced a seizure!!! But when I think back when this all first started it's been a long 2 years.....Let's just say I understand why they say everything happens for a reason. During this journey I've figured out who I am, I've learned who my "friends" are, and I definitely got a lot closer to God. I mean when you think there's a chance you might have cancer,then having several seizures a week for years, Jesus/God are the first ones you go running to. And when something like this happens it's funny to see who decides to play hide and seek. I've always been the person who lays under her blanket and worries about how to fix everyone else's problems until 2 in the morning but somehow when I have any my response is "Really, it'll be ok" and we switch topics. During those 2 years my friends disappeared and showed up when it was convenient for them. Never got a text to ask if I was o.k. except every couple months, but I don't despise them for what they did because it taught me how to be happy or I'll say content being alone. I learned about myself, because I was forced to face thoughts I ran from, and I spent time doing things I never knew I loved aka poetry. I became more ambitious and determined to succeed, being that I was forced to sit in a house (all day), I decided I better figure out how I still will become the top Marketing Executive = my  other blog, twitter, etc. All this is to say I'm grateful for my epilepsy because without it I know I would be on another path and it wouldn't be as positive and I don't think I would be creating myself like I am now. And God forbid even if a seizure was to occur, I'd get my 5 min of disappointment tears out, and move on because I have alot to be thankful for because of it, and eventually I'll overcome it.
Ya'll will see Lil Bitz in the news, on other's blogs, on tv....remember my name (oh real name is Ashleigh lol)

Love and All

Goodbye is Hello

Goodbye is the start of a new beginning
Yet I can't comprehend why tears are falling as if I turned on the faucet to my eyes
Why my heart won't let go of these feelings yours can't seem to create
My mind continues to replay memories you couldn't remember if you watched
I've been told you can't put a number on my self-worth, but you treated me as if it's less than a penny
I have qualities and values that make the sun shine
That only you could be oblivious to and make me want to hide behind the trees of my soul
It may have taken awhile but I realize I have the upperhand
I hope all our memories continue to replay and my faucet of tears turns on everytime
As i reminisce of the pain you put me through and what to avoid as I search for my TRUE love
I actually want to hug you as I will appreciate my future love for the lovely qualities you seemed not to have been blessed with
I've dried my tears as I've truly accepted goodbye as the start of a new beginning
And mine is one of joy and happiness
And I assume yours is one of misery as I won't be apart of it....
Time to turn the page

                                               Love and All </3

The Beginning

Hey Everybody this is Lil Bitz!!! And this is my blog, my personal place to express me...you might see posts expressing random thoughts, me telling you about my day, random videos, pictures....I'm just expressing me. I rather do it through a blog than to bombard facebook with novels of my thoughts. I usually express myself through pictures on Tumblr, but trying something new. Just for a little introduction, I am 21 and pursuing a career in marketing (specifically in the entertainment industry), and I feel the way to make it in life is to create your own path. So I do have another blog, in which I showcase and market those in our generations talents....hasn't been doing so bad, but I'm always looking for ways to improve. www.myambitionz.wordpress.com (Check it out and let me know what you think!!) I also have a twitter associated with that blog and you can follow me @ambitionz13, that page I use so people can get to know me a little but also to mention artists and those pursuing their dreams so other followers check them out (marketing lol). One of passions is poetry, so don't be surprised if you see random posts of my poems, I usually created them get excited and just feel the need to share lol. I WARN YOU I AM RANDOM lol....one minute i might post about my love about cookie dough ice cream and the next I'm having a deep conversation about why the sun shines :)
For those reading enjoy.....

Love and All <3