God Within

I was having movie night with myself and watched For Colored Girls, which is a real emotional movie. It's full of poetry and very deep, each time I watch it I have to concentrate to try to interprete what the poems are truly saying. One of the most emotional lines for me this time was when one of the ladies wondered how she let her husband abused her and she realized it was because something inside her was missing. She says as some point she went numb and she left her body and saw herself and became wrapped in the sun and the sky laid over her, she was hot and cold, and God entered within her and she loved herself fiercely. So what I took from it is she was missing the spirit of God within herself. Yea she believed but he wasn't in her, his spirit wasn't in her soul. And I don't know what happened but it made me break down crying because I don't know what it's like or how you know when it happens, but I can't wait for that moment when God enters my soul. I believe when it happens I will love myself, I mean everything about me....everything will be beautiful in my eyes. I won't feel any pain or frustration about anything. I'll truly be happy, not only with myself but towards everyone around me. (I'm not saying I don't try to be now, but I feel like when it happens I won't feel the need to cuss anyone out, or get angry so quickly...when problems arise I'll smile and just keep living) I feel like God is blessing me and I may be getting there, and when it happens I'll definetely let you know. I just imagine that feeling is amazing. Watching this movie made me want to write a poem :)

Well, Damn

He says by being sheltered and listening to how I should live life I was failing at life :/ Well damn, don't really know what to think about that...I mean you listen to your parents because they well at least mine had my best interest at heart and wanted me to succeed. Then he says well, from what I do know about you, you strive to reach goals that society has set and are non existent.......Once again damn, well, damn your telling me the goals I have for my life have no relevance, because they basically don't exist. But as I think about his viewpoint I realize I am very influenced by others because within that 20 minute speech you have me questioning my life...and by listening and taking your advice wouldn't I be failing again??? I mean I understand all you truly want me to do is take full advantage of life and live it, but before this conversation I felt that I was living it...at least I was beginning to. I realize I have to be confident in who I am and my life...whatever decisions I make I have to be 100% confident in, and if someone doesn't agree then I need to smile as they oppose and tell me I need to live differently. I'm so afraid I'm not doing something right or something could be better I question everything I'm doing the moment someone questions it themselves....AS OF 10:16 MAY 2,2013 I'M THROUGH QUESTIONING MYSELF...if I take other's opinions into consideration it will be because I want to, not because your making me feel bad and as if I have to.

By the way, if the person who influenced this post happens to read this I liked some of your points but I want you to understand...I have failed in ways you have yet to see and won't understand and I'm succeeding and learning to hold on to it :)