God Within

I was having movie night with myself and watched For Colored Girls, which is a real emotional movie. It's full of poetry and very deep, each time I watch it I have to concentrate to try to interprete what the poems are truly saying. One of the most emotional lines for me this time was when one of the ladies wondered how she let her husband abused her and she realized it was because something inside her was missing. She says as some point she went numb and she left her body and saw herself and became wrapped in the sun and the sky laid over her, she was hot and cold, and God entered within her and she loved herself fiercely. So what I took from it is she was missing the spirit of God within herself. Yea she believed but he wasn't in her, his spirit wasn't in her soul. And I don't know what happened but it made me break down crying because I don't know what it's like or how you know when it happens, but I can't wait for that moment when God enters my soul. I believe when it happens I will love myself, I mean everything about me....everything will be beautiful in my eyes. I won't feel any pain or frustration about anything. I'll truly be happy, not only with myself but towards everyone around me. (I'm not saying I don't try to be now, but I feel like when it happens I won't feel the need to cuss anyone out, or get angry so quickly...when problems arise I'll smile and just keep living) I feel like God is blessing me and I may be getting there, and when it happens I'll definetely let you know. I just imagine that feeling is amazing. Watching this movie made me want to write a poem :)

Well, Damn

He says by being sheltered and listening to how I should live life I was failing at life :/ Well damn, don't really know what to think about that...I mean you listen to your parents because they well at least mine had my best interest at heart and wanted me to succeed. Then he says well, from what I do know about you, you strive to reach goals that society has set and are non existent.......Once again damn, well, damn your telling me the goals I have for my life have no relevance, because they basically don't exist. But as I think about his viewpoint I realize I am very influenced by others because within that 20 minute speech you have me questioning my life...and by listening and taking your advice wouldn't I be failing again??? I mean I understand all you truly want me to do is take full advantage of life and live it, but before this conversation I felt that I was living it...at least I was beginning to. I realize I have to be confident in who I am and my life...whatever decisions I make I have to be 100% confident in, and if someone doesn't agree then I need to smile as they oppose and tell me I need to live differently. I'm so afraid I'm not doing something right or something could be better I question everything I'm doing the moment someone questions it themselves....AS OF 10:16 MAY 2,2013 I'M THROUGH QUESTIONING MYSELF...if I take other's opinions into consideration it will be because I want to, not because your making me feel bad and as if I have to.

By the way, if the person who influenced this post happens to read this I liked some of your points but I want you to understand...I have failed in ways you have yet to see and won't understand and I'm succeeding and learning to hold on to it :)

UGGHHH

This post will probaly be really random because I have 1000 thoughts running through my mind. The other day I had a job interview and was excited because for the first time in a year there was a chance I would be working again, due to my epilepsy....I go home tell my mother and she says no that won't work out and gives me all the reasons why and basically lets me know to turn them down if I was to get the job. I mentally begin to break down, because it been almost two months and I've only had one seizure which is great! In my head I'm thinking I can start to live life...but that dream has been shut down. I just go in my room and break down, because I'm back to the realization that I'm stuck in this house once again all day every day with the occasional times I can go to my friends house and watch tv over there. So I decide I need to vent and text a certain person, to sum the convo up he tells me I'm 21 when will I decide to stop living the unhealthy lifestyle of staying in the house all day? stop living off my parents? and become independent? and that overall he's disappointed and has to go! Once again I break down because not only am I not happy with the way things are going but I have someone looking down on me and thinks I'm being lazy and a mooch. That's a hard ass thing to deal with when they know nothing of the situation....its hard as hell to get a job when you can't drive, none of your friends cantake you, and there's no bus. It's hard as hell to stop living off your parents when they feel that's the way you should be and will be living until they feel it's the right time for you to be independent....and it's hard as hell to be independent when you can't even walk up the street by yourself because everyone is scared...so they're sending a "babysitter" with you. I'm 21 and at 18 dreamed that at this age I would be finishing up my 3rd year of an internship but instead I haven't finished up my sophmore year of college yet. I continue to smile because everyday I wake up but my life is not easy for me. I know God works on His own time, it just hurts knowing I may have a while longer before things will start to work themselves out. All I can do is continue to pray and attempt to find success in my situation....I have a feeling that some people might not be able or want to handle my life.....Some things from now on may be better left unsaid :/

Bittersweet

Its funny how she sent me to bed last night crying; over what I don’t exactly know

See me and her have an unusual relationship; you’d think it was abusive seeing she has full control

No matter what, when, where, and how I choose to make my decisions

In the end my input doesn’t really matter

She decides if I’ll have a good night sleep and what or if I will eat

It’s up to her to control what I’ll look like,

Whether I’ll end up blessed on my sweet 16 riding in a car or unlucky pushing a bike

It’s her choice to choose which friends will stay and which ones will decide to walk away

See she decides if that sexy guy notices me of if I’ll be stuck with the bum who can’t afford his upkeep

I know, you wonder why I don’t just leave but it’s not that easy

As many times as she’s made me cry

There’s been equal or more times she caught my tear before they fell from my eyes

The same times I felt she was isolating me from the world she’d remind me she was my backbone and one of the reasons I was still going

She stays attached to my waist, in my heart, and my mind; she’s here with me now her name is LIFE

No need for a formal introduction, you know she can be nasty so just play nice

 

Sometimes I question how I can be so appreciative of something that can be so cruel and cut so deep and the next day fondle my soul and taste so sweet

But hey that’s just one of life’s characteristics that’s why I nicknamed her Bittersweet

I'll be here having lunch/business meeting

Men/Boys Whatever :/

So you know this topic was going to eventually come up.....now don't worry this isn't a vent post lol...nothing has happend. I just find it to be a funny topic..I would say I am a amateur in this field so I get plenty of advice from both genders about a man. Now of course being a girl, you want the fantasy man, he loves everything about you, makes you smile (specially since giggling is basically a for me hobby), motivates you to be a better person, and only wants the best for you. The people around want the same for you, but through what they been telling me he doesn't exist :( they hope I come across him but they doubt it. The friends have hope every guy is that guy, if I show one good text they feel he is that guy, because they do the same with each of their boyfriends. The older women look to me with the most serious look and say no matter what man you get he WILL CHEAT eventually :/ .....wellllll that makes you not want to date at all!?! With that instilled in your head your waiting on that text or phone call saying "What happend was...." The older men say "i was a boy your age i know what he wants....its all a game" ...Well damn, just ruin my fun, now everything I think this guy is saying are saved text messages he sends out to every female because they are sounding good. But you only have one life, and the same way all these people learned through experiences I will have to learn through my own...so I'll continue to listen to this advice just shaking my head not really listening....because I rather experience men for myself to see if I actually come across a cheater, the guy who's all talk no action, the emotionless guy, or will I be lucky and just fall in love. Win or lose it's a story for the future and some type of advice for me to give a young girl in the future

Love and All <3

Naive

I heard one of a kind

Definition of beauty

I saw wedding bells

I knew you had to be setting a date

You had to see a halo around my head clouds around my body as if I ascended from heaven

In my eyes I saw no one else but you…I knew God planned this so when we had our future arguments to me you were the “last man”

Everything about you said forever and a day

And all you said was hi

You see naïve, I felt psychic